Missed Opportunity

For the past several days, God has spoken to me about my attitude. Which at times can be puffed up. He has spoken to me about making a difference. About my circle of influence. We all have one.

I moved out of my apartment this week. I lived there for 17 months. My neighbor and I had introduced ourselves to each other and waved in passing, but never really talked or got to know each other.

She is a younger woman by 20 years. Has several tattoos, smoked a lot. And I was awoken in the middle of the night a time or two by loud fights between her and her live-in boyfriend. Through the walls of our apartment I often heard her yelling profanities at her teenagers. I determined I didn't want to be involved with this sort of person.

On moving day I knocked on her door to offer her some food from my freezer.  She ended up offering to help me with the final clean out and clean up. Through out the day we talked and got to know each other.

This young woman grew up with a mom who had a drug problem. She had 2 children as a teenager and she had a drug problem. She spent 3 years in prison and is now clean. She told me of going to church as a young teen and of her son going to church now with one of his friends.

We found we had a few things in common and could have been friends. She most likely would have gone to church with me....if I had ever asked or taken the time to get to know her at all.

I missed my opportunity. I will remember Alana for the rest of my life. Because of how I failed her or God.

Who am I that “I” should judge a person and find them not good enough for me. I never had that particular thought about her, but what I did think, I am too ashamed to share.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for exalting myself in that I felt I was better than Alana. I pray you draw her to you. Lord, show me how I can reach out to others. Lord, help me to realize that the waitress, the cashier at Wal-Mart, and my next door neighbor are ALL loved by you and put in my path so I can show them you.

Puffed Up

The other day, I was reading Max Lucado's “Out Live Your Life”, (which I expect to be a life changing book) and he said “Don't forget who holds you”. Everything we are; everything we have is because of Christ.

I Corin. 4:7 says:

Who says you are better than others? What do you have that was not

given to you? And if it was given to you, why do you brag as if you

did not receive it as a gift?

And Acts 7: 2-4 says:

Stephen answered, “Brothers and fathers, listen to me. Our glorious

God appeared to Abraham, our ancestor, in Mesopotamia before he

lived in Haran. God said to Abraham, “Leave your country and your

relatives, and go to the land I will show you.” So Abraham left the

country of Chaldea and went to live in Haran. After Abraham's

father died, God sent him to this place where you now live.

God's the one who brought us where we are. He has given us what we have. Any wisdom we posess, isn't really ours; it's God's wisdom. He gave it to us.

The other day I was talking to a friend who is going through a time of confusion. I told my friend, just to immerse themselves in God's word. If you do that then God will leach into your heart, your thoughts, and your actions. I told my friend that I understood where they were coming from,

because I'd been in that place of seperation from God through my guilt. But God still wants his children. I told my friend that my goal was to immerse myself so much in the Word that Christ leaks out of me. And others will be able to see that I'd been with Jesus. I walked away thinking “you did good, Renata”. I felt pious. Somewhat holy, even.

The next day I spoke with one of my daughters and kind of counseled her some on life.

Oh yes, God is gonna use me. I've been reading my Bible and my little Random Book of Devotions. God has been speaking to me. …...I AM A VESSEL.....

I have arrived. Or at least, I'm well on my way to arriving.

Yesterday, I fell flat on my face. Not literally, but I failed in my walk. I had to go to God and ask him to forgive me. I looked at myself and asked, “Why? You've been reading your Bible everyday. Why can't you get “Right” inside of you so that it comes out in your actions?” Maybe part of the reason is that I'm not immersed in Him. I'm not who I was. I've been reading and studying the Word, some. But not really immersed. I need more of HIM so I become less. The other reason that “Right” doesn't consistently come out in my actions is that I'm not perfect. I'm not righteous on my own. (I can say these words, but in reality I don't understand them. I won't understand completely until I get to Heaven. But I know them to be true.)

Oh God, how quickly I forget who holds me. If the words I spoke and the life of the speaker touched these 2 people, it isn't because of Renata's superior intelligence or wisdom, but because of you, God. To forget who holds me is the prelude to falling.

Forgive me, Lord for forgetting who I am and for falling. Thank you for loving me. For your grace and mercy.

Lord, I am aware that as you mold and make me into what you want; I look into the mirror quite impressed with what I have made of myself. I'm sorry, Father God. Please forgive me. Help me Lord to always remember who I am. I am in Christ. I am nothing outside of Christ. I have no reason to boast or feel puffed up.

My Emotional Rant

I am well aware that I am an emotional person. I tend to painfully scrape the lining of my heart just so I can understand what I feel and in my current situation, not to do it again.

So, that said...I have determined God is leading me to Albuquerque. And I believe he's told me he wants to use me to bring my girls to him. But lately, I've entertained the possibility that perhaps this move is for me. That God sees tragedy for me ahead and because he loves me, he wants me to be surrounded by people who love me...as I lay dying of some dreaded disease...or whatever.

Of course, I know fear is the opposite of faith. And I also know that into every life a little rain must fall. As the time for me to leave draws nearer, I find that I'm a lot more emotional. (If that's even possible.) And right on the edge of panic at this big move and change in my life. This step is more than a geographical move for me. I'm anxious to get it over with and for the next year or so to go by quickly so my heart will have healed some.

(Just F.Y.I. For those of you who don't know me well, I'm not a huge drama queen and I don't take myself too seriously. I know I can be over-dramatic, over-emotional and a bit of a hypochondriac at times. Although, I'm coming out of that last one some. So, just roll your eyes and read on. I'll eventually make my point.)

My Random Book of Devotions this morning referenced Deuteronomy 18:18.

I will raise up a Prophet from among their brethren, like unto thee, and will put

my words in his mouth; and he shall speak unto them all that I shall command

him.

This prophecy came to the Israelites as they arrived at the Promised Land, before they entered.

They knew that Moses was not to be their leader any longer and that God was going to appoint another. But this prophecy was about Jesus.

It was before the nation of Israel was formed, before David was king, before the exile and return of the Jews from their land. God knows the future. He knew all that Israel would go through before the Messiah came or before he comes again.

Psalm 16:11 says

Thou wilt shew me the path of life; in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right

hand there are pleasures for evermore.

And 27:1

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength

of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

Oh,what wonderful promises! I can be assured that God loves me and goes before me in all situations. I don't know what tomorrow, or next month, or next year will bring. But I do know in His presence joy awaits me. I know that because I'm HIS, I don't need to fear anyone or anything.

Father, thank you for your loving care. It's enough that you see my tomorrows. The good and the bad. I know that you have promised to deliver me from ALL afflictions (Ps. 34:19). Today, Lord, I again hand over my fears of tomorrow and the losses or failures of yesterday. I praise you for the joy you've put in my heart. And I thank you for reminding me that somehow my story is a part of your plan.

Inside My Head...

Psalm 4:3-8 (NCV) says:

You know that the Lord has chosen for himself, those who are loyal to him. The Lord

listens when I pray to him. When you are angry do not sin. Think about these things

quietly as you go to bed. Do what is right as a sacrifice to the Lord and trust the Lord.

Many people ask, “who will give us anything good?” Lord, be kind to us. But you

have made me very happy, happier than they are, even with all their grain and new

wine. I go to bed and sleep in peace, because, Lord only you keep me safe.

Sometimes, I wish you could see my thoughts, (then again, that would land me in a padded room for sure). This was the text from my Random Book of Devotions. As I sit down to breakfast and my quiet time each morning, I thank God for the meal, ask him to bless it and to open my heart and mind to his word. And as I read, I try to look for what's in it for me. God's word is intentional. What does he intend for me to see today?

He continually amazes me! I am well aware that if you could actually see into my thoughts, you would indeed, think I'm as crazy as a loon. I, think that myself, frequently. This scripture has taken my rambling thoughts and fears and put them in print, right before my eyes. There they all are. And practically, in as much disarray as my thoughts are. (I've always felt a kinship with King David.  Even more so, now.)

Thank you, Father, for speaking to me through your word. Thank you, for your reassurance and that I can see you molding me into a better me. A me that is more like you.

Lord, I know that you are leading me. Help me, Lord, to watch and listen for your direction.

Guess! Just Guess!

Yesterday I told my son that even though God has told me good things are in store for me; like every Christian, heaven, being with Jesus, the ultimate good thing is “in store” for all of us who are His. I told him, I've considered the possibility of God taking me back to the desert to show two families that I dearly love the way to the Father. You gotta know time is getting short.

               My daughters know about God, but don't know Him.

My witness has not been all that great in recent years. In fact, it's been down right bad. I want to show these 2 children of my heart and body, Jesus. I want to encourage them. Help them build a foundation of faith for their children.

I bet ya can't guess what today's subject was in my Random Book of Devotions?​ (And I never peek ahead).

Our Words Are Our Witness

Joshua 24: 22-27 in the New Century Version says:

Then Joshua said, “You are your own witnesses that you have chosen to serve the Lord.”

The people said, “Yes, we are”. Then Joshua said, “ Now throw away the gods that you

have. Love the Lord, the God of Israel with all your heart.” Then the people said to

Joshua, “We will serve the Lord our God and we will obey him.” On that day at Shechen, 

Joshua made an agreement for the people. He made rules and laws for them to follow.

Joshua wrote these things in the Book of the Teachings of God. Then he took a large

stone and set it up under the oak tree near the Lord's Holy tent. Joshua said to all the

people, “See this stone! It will remind you of what we did today. It was here the Lord

spoke to us today. It will remind you of what happened so you will not turn against

your God.

It's not enough to merely believe in the Lord. James 2:19 says “...even the demons believe”. And Matt. 11:28 says, “Yea, rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God and keep it”.

It's not that we have a bunch of do's and don'ts. But we do have a big “do”. Follow Him. We want to be more like him. How can others see Jesus in us if our life never changes? Now, the good news is the change isn't up to us. All we have to do is tell Jesus we want Him in our lives. Ask Him to come in and set up housekeeping. The rest. The changes? You leave to him. He'll guide you to changes or growth and one day you'll look up and say, “Wow! I'm not the way I was.”

Holy Father, thank you again for your word, that is alive and breathing. Thank you that you speak to me through your word. Lord, lead and guide me to the desert. Guide my words and actions. Let me be a witness to others. But especially to my girls. Show them, Lord, that you love them and want them for your own.

Stay Focused

As I lay in bed this morning, before I'm really ready to face my day, my thoughts wander into the past. Mourning the “if onlys” and “I wishes”. I remind myself to shake off what isn't and give my heart to God, to mend and protect.

My thoughts then venture into the future, imagining what I'd like my next home to be. I imagine the rural setting that I'd like. I see myself, alone in my little house, with big windows looking out over my flowers...and start to be afraid. The crime rate is higher where I'm going. And I have to remind myself, again, that God is with me and leading me.

When I opened my Random Book of Devotions this morning it said, “Face Your Fears”. Isn't God great?....And funny? “In a moment of unwavering faith, we step out of our boat – out of our comfort zone – and walk toward Jesus. ...then just as suddenly as we began, we stop focusing on Jesus. ...Our faith vanishes, and as we begin to descend beneath the waves of discouragement (and fear) we cry out, Lord, save me!”

And, of course, he does.

Matthew 14:28-31 says:

And Peter answered unto him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come

unto thee on the water. And he said “come”. And when Peter was come

down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when

he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and began to sink, he cried,

saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth is hand

and caught him, and said unto him; O, thou of little faith, wherefore didst

thou doubt?

There's many lessons to take from this scripture; but today... for me... I hear Almighty God saying my name. Renata. I'm here. You're important to me. I hear him telling me to keep my eyes on him. It's when I take my eyes off of God that things/life gets blurry and scary. And, truth be told, I'm sure my heart wouldn't have been hurt the way it's been, if I hadn't looked away and lost focus.

Thank you, Father, for the letter you wrote to me. Thank you, that it meets Renata right here, where I am today on November 3, 2010. Your letter might as well have my name printed on it's pages, as it is so specific to me.

And thank you, God, that you hold the fears of my yesterdays, of today, and my tomorrows in your hands.

Be with me, Lord, as I step out. I pray, Lord, that my eyes stay on you as I walk into tomorrow.

I'm His....Still

I feel like such a failure when I fall. How can God still want me? Love me? But he does. Praise God!

I picked up my Random Book of Devotions this morning, only to find I had read the last one yesterday. I am temporarily stranded at the same friend's who supplied me with the first out-of-date Random Book of Devotions. I nearly panicked. I've grown dependent on starting out my day with the devotions. Even when I've only allowed a little bit of time, I've got to squeeze in some God time. That's when he talks to me. So anyway, my friend was able to dig out the out-of-date devotional that followed the one I just finished. Of course, God doesn't need this particular Random Book of Devotions. He can speak to me, lead me in his word to what he wants to say to me. (Have you noticed, I tend to ramble?) ANYWAY, this morning it was “”Delivered from Evil” with Galations 1:4 as the text.

Who gave himself for our sins, that he might deliver us from this present evil world, according to the will of God and our Father.

The author starts out by saying, “Because we have a sin nature, evil often attracts us like a carnival ride”. And then when we realize we've messed up, “we scramble to save ourselves...and fail".

Of course, God knew before creation that Renata would be a problem child and he still called me by name. (Isaiah 43:1 ...Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called [thee] by thy name; thou [art] mine.) He stopped today and spoke to me. Not to tell me that I have a sinful nature, so why fight it; but that he loves me and tho' I failed this time, Christ's righteousness has covered my sin.

I marvel at God's grace. After nearly 40 years as HIS, I am amazed, overjoyed, elated even that God loves ME. That with Jesus' blood covering me I am righteous. Wow !!!

Thank you, God for taking a moment...again... to tell me I am yours. Forgive me for

failing you and help me to do better. This morning, Lord, I give my wrong, sinful

nature to you and ask you to guide me to be Christ-like.